What doesn't kill you...

I heard that Kelly Clarkson song "Stronger" on the radio today. And while I'm not really a big Kelly Clarkson fan, I do like this song. It's a good empowerment song. But today, I was really thinking about what this song was saying:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

Now obviously this song is talking about a guy leaving her, but I was thinking about the other things in life that don't kill you. I know there are definitely things in my life that haven't killed me but have made me stronger. But that wasn't a given. If something's going to make you stronger, you have to fight for it to make you stronger.

There are things that may not kill you literally, but can kill you in other ways. Crohn's obviously hasn't actually killed me, but if I let it, it could run my life. It'd be so easy to sit around and feel sorry for myself all the time. I've tried to tap into the social media Crohn's community and I've definitely found people out there who seem to have given up and resigned themselves to a certain kind of life. But I'm not going to do that. And that's what has made me a stronger person. Without the things I've dealt with over the years, who knows where I'd be now.

I'm not saying this to try to sound impressive or prideful. I want to bring encouragement to anyone who may be dealing with a potentially "deadly" issue. It doesn't have to be health related, it could be anything. You can't just sit back and say, "Well, this will make me a stronger person someday." You have to want to be a stronger person. You have to fight to be a stronger person. Learn from your mistakes and from your trials. While they may seem too big to beat now, you keep fighting and you'll win every time.

You think you got the best of me

Think you had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone.

Think you left me broken down

Think that I'd come running back

Baby, you don't know me cause you're dead wrong.

I hate Duke with an infernal passion undying

The following article ran in The Daily Tar Heel in 1990. It best sums up how I feel about dook.

Editor’s note: Ian Williams, a 1990 UNCalumnus, was a columnist for The Daily Tar Heel in the spring 1990 semester. The column ran Jan 17, 1990- that night, the Tar Heels stomped the Blue Devils by 19.

I recall a strange and hazy time about four and a half years ago, fretting in the sweltering heat of Hinton James 244, sitting on my bed while the rest of the residents scurried outside.

My suitemate from Brevard was parading his spittle collection, a particularly nauseating mass of his oral waste that he kept in three 2-liter bottles above the door. My roommate spoke in a dialect from Edenton that barely passed for anything on our side of the language tree, and the only things I had to wear in the 105-degree weather were corduroy pants from my goofball private high school. Tripping over bricks, showing up for classes in rooms miles away from where the classes were taught and getting lost by the water tower, I might as well have had a huge placard wrapped around my neck that said “Oh so clueless” and a number to call in case anybody found me peeing in his yard.

But there was a time before that. I call it The Time When I Thought I Wanted to Go to Duke.

For some unexplainable reasons having to do with planetary alignment or a chemical imbalance, I was set on going to that university in Durham. My high school in Virginia brainwashed us all into thinking that if we didn’t end up going to either Duke, UVA, or one of the Ivys we would surely end up stocking Pampers at Wal-Mart. So off I scuttled to those schools, all bushy-tailed and bated, hopin’ to impress some institutes of higher learning. By the time I got to visiting Duke, however, the luster of college had begun to dull into a bleak haze.

My tour guide’s name was Lorna- no lie- and she spoke in a loud, brash voice that seemed to shake the leaves from the cute little shrubberies. “And on your left is Duke Chapel, the centerpiece of our Gothic campus. Our university is considered by many to be the most beautiful campus in America.”

“Umm, excuse me,” I said, “Where do all the kids live?”

“The kids,” she said, in a voice of utter disdain reserved only for parents whose child has been very, very naughty. “The Duke student body mostly lives in the buildings you are looking at right here, with the beautiful Gothic architecture.”

“Well, how hard are the classes here? Would I be studying all the time?”

She fixed her cruel New Jersey gaze on my frightened 17-year-old soul. “Look, that’s totally assuming you even get in here at all. I know tons of people that would have given their left arm to get in here. And not only that, but- Oh, hi, Thad!” Some senior named Thad wearing Vuarnets and baggy khaki shorts ambled up with an evil Gleem smile.

“Leadin’ the kids around, eh Lorna?” he asked, and cackled like the frat Grinch.

“Yeah,” she giggled, and the two whispered to each other while exchanging muffled laughs.

I was herded into the cafeteria and stuck in a line for pizza, while Lorna went off into the crowd with some of her friends. A scowling guy slapped a piece of rubber pepperoni pizza on my plate, and as I walked across the room to sit down, I tripped on one of those Gothic little cherub things on the floor and sent my pizza flying 20 feet onto the sweater of a girl named Annabeth, a junior English major from Bridgeport, Connecticut.

“Oh my God!” she squealed, and every face in the entire joint looked right at me. Thad the sunglasses man started to clap, and half of the cafeteria joined in my humiliation.

Suddenly, I was back in third grade, and all the boys and girls were pointing and laughing at the picture I’d drawn of my family. Suddenly, I was sitting alone at the side of the blacktop while everyone else got picked for the dodgeball team. Suddenly, I was lying in the Iowa snow, getting my ribs kicked by five guys who thought I’d stolen their football. I had no escape.

And that’s when I decided to go to Carolina. I had never seen the place, had never heard of Chapel Hill and I picked Hinton James because it had a laundry room. After a while I grew used to the town- I didn’t get lost behind the water tower; I learned where Gardner Hall was; and I began to enjoy the company of my suitemate, despite his spittle collection. I also developed a taste for basketball, and during the games I noticed that we had certain heated rivalries- whenever we played one of those teams, I got tense and dug holes in the seat.

Now I realize that school spirit is a pretty goofy thing to some people, but I’ll tell you something: I hate Duke with an infernal passion undying. I hate every leaf of every tree on that sickening campus. I hate every fake cherub Gothic piece of crap that litters the buildings like hemorrhoidal testaments to imagined superiority. When I see those Dookie boneheads shoe-polishing their faces navy blue on television, squandering their parents’ money with their fratty elitist bad sportsmanship antics and Saab stories, I want to puke all over Durham.

So this is my request, boys of basketball: Tonight, I not only want you to win, I want Krzyzewski calling home to his mother with tears in his eyes. I want Alaa Abdelnaby to throw up brick after brick. I want Rick Fox to take Christian Laettner to the hoop so many times that poor Christian will be dazed on the bench with an Etch-a-Sketch and a box of Crayola crayons. I want Bobby Hurley to trip on his shoelaces and fly into a fat alumnus from Wilmington. Send Thad and Lorna home with their blue tails between their legs.

God bless them Tar Heel boys!

March on

Wow, March, you snuck up on me and I almost let you pass without putting a little something new on the blog. I completely forgot that today was March 1. But I'm going to be honest, when you're not dealing with the usual going-to-work-every-day-routine, you completely lose track of what day it is. I'm constantly having to check my calendar to make sure I don't miss any appointments or other things I have planned.

March is a great time of year. First of all, it means that my birthday is only a week away! Yea! However, this year is going to be a little different since I've been doing this diet. Usually we'd all go out to eat somewhere and have cake or ice cream or something, but I'm not sure what it's going to mean this year. I'm expecting my shipment of almond flour tomorrow, so I'll have to experiment some... even if it means I have to make my own cake.

And another reason I love March is it means spring is near! In just a few short weeks, winter will be over and the warm weather will be moving back in (even though, it never really left this year... it was like 80-degrees today!)

For me this year, it continues to mean change. As I mentioned before, I'm in my second week on this diet. It takes a lot of dedication and experimentation, so I'm learning what works and what doesn't. I'm hoping to continue to learn and continue to feel better every day! Doing this diet has brought up thoughts about the rest of my health, as well. I'm realizing more and more that I don't take proper care of my body. I don't drink enough water, take the right vitamins (etc.), get enough exercise. These are things I really need to focus on. I don't just want health for my digestive tract. I want health for my entire body. Oh, but these goals are so hard to keep!! I'm hoping once I'm back on a set schedule, to have the motivation to get some stuff going in the mornings before work.

My writing class starts in just about 10 days. I'm so excited and a little freaked out that the same time. I haven't had a class in 4 years. Plus, writing has always been one of those things I've dreamed of doing... I think there's a little part of me that worries whether or not I'll be any good at it. I've been reading a writing book lately. It's already been enlightening. I hope to finish it by the time this class starts.

Finally, I've been enjoying this time off, but it's time for me to head back to work. While I do think I can handle the whole unemployed thing (I know some people go stir-crazy), I enjoy having that structure and balance in my life. I've got a couple of opportunities out there right now, so I'm praying for wisdom in figuring out what's going to be best for me and for Jarrod.

So to summarize for this month...

-Settle in on this diet, learning more about cooking and figuring out the best way to stay on top of it all.
-Take better care of my overall health: need to work on a plan for better exercising, drinking more water, and taking all of the vitamins I need.
-Attend my writing class (and enjoy it!) and finish my book.
-Start a new job and get back to a normal routine.
-Finish my "window project" that I've been putting off recently.
-Turn 26 and enjoy another birthday and another year!

1 week later

I've been on this new diet for a full week now, and can I just say, What a week it's been! I knew this was going to be difficult, but it has been a really tough week. The first few days were so restrictive that I didn't even want to leave the house because the smell and thought of food was driving me crazy. But I went out to a restaurant for the first time this weekend (not eating, just visiting) and it went OK. I'm not going to lie, it was hard watching other people eat all of the foods that I'm craving, but smelling the food was actually nice. You can kind of pretend that you're getting to eat it! (Wow, that sounds pathetic)

I was wanting to do a slow introduction onto the diet, but I realize now that I don't think that will work for me. I don't know that I'm disciplined enough to take a couple of months before I actually have a range of food that I can eat. I do know some foods that are more difficult to digest, so I'm holding off on those for now. I've added in some fruits and veggies and an assortment of meats (grilled up some lamb chops yesterday, yum!). My "splurge" was picking up some colby jack cheese and fresh almond butter. I maybe should've waited a little longer, but like I said, if I didn't have something good soon, I was going to go crazy.

I also made myself a almond butter & banana milkshake today with homemade yogurt. The yogurt is pretty tart, but I added in some honey and that helped. I guess it's just something I'll have to get used to.

I've been obsessed the past few days with looking up recipe ideas that stay within the limits of the diet. The thing is, eating on this diet (once you're fully on it) isn't difficult. You can make some great meals and there are pretty good substitutes that you can find for almost anything (except chocolate... sad). It's really just the matter of being able to go out to eat. I know I've harped on this a couple of times now, but that's a pretty big deal for Jarrod and me because we love to go out to eat. I love getting dressed up and going somewhere nice and having someone else put together the meal (and clean it all up!). Now, going out to eat is mostly going to be for other people, and I'm just along for the ride. I am planning on making some calls to some of our favorite places to find out if their food will be alright. I'll have to stick with meats (without certain rubs and spices) and veggies and salads.

Well, I've gone through all of this and haven't even mentioned how I'm feeling. I'm still doing just OK. I was feeling better for a couple of days, but then started feeling a little worse. The hard part is that I don't know what's causing it. It could be symptoms from the diet cleaning out my system and flushing the toxins; it could be that I ate something that didn't agree with me and I should avoid in the future; it could be that the diet isn't working. I suppose I'll have to wait it out a little longer to see more results. I think also that my body is adjusting to not being on any major medication. Still waiting to see what my future holds in that area. But all in all, I'm still hanging in there and waiting to see where this all leads.

Why is every commercial about food?

Seriously! The day after I start an uber restricting diet, I'm watching a little nighttime TV before bed, and EVERY commercial is about food! Oh, and everyone's eating on the show, too! Is it always like this? Or is it like when you're playing the Alphabet Game in the car as a kid and you can't find a stupid 'J' and once you finally, there's a 'J' and every sign you pass??

In all seriousness now... my first couple of days on the new diet have not been the easiest, but honestly, it's not been the food that's been the problem. I starting getting a horrible headache on Sunday afternoon while my mom was helping me get food prepared and it lasted until sometime this afternoon. Along with that came some nausea which made a couple of the meals a little difficult, but I'm doing much better now.

The food really is not too bad. Just a little monotonous (and it's only day 2). For the next few days, my diet will continue to consist of eggs, homemade chicken soup, grape jello, and hamburger patties or fish. The first 5 days is meant to clean out the system and sort of start to "reset" things. From there, you can start adding in more veggies, meats, fruits, nuts, etc.

Once you get fully on the diet, there are lots of options, but it does take some time to get there. Plus, going out to eat is pretty much always going to be a bit of a hurdle. But I know this is going to be a healthy lifestyle choice, even regardless of my Crohn's. Healthier, all-natural foods instead of so much processed foods. I'm kind of excited about it.

Ok, seriously just saw Red Lobster, Campbell's Soup, Fiber One Bars, a commercial not for burgers, but with them in it, and General Mill's cereal all in one break.