What the doctor ordered

I just spent the past few minutes taking my boss' advice and enjoying a few minutes outside. I could not imagine a more beautiful day! The sun is shining, the sky is a deep Carolina blue, and the cold seems to be gone for good (one can only hope here in North Carolina).

I even took my iPad with me and did a little writing for my writing class. (As a side note, I used to say that I'd love to have an iPad, but just don't really have a real need for it. I was wrong. Everyone needs and iPad.) As a homework assignment, we're supposed to write about our favorite place. I couldn't help but think of a beautiful, warm beach and that made being outside on a day like today even more enjoyable.

So yes, I have started a new job. I'm in my second week at a psychiatry office here in Raleigh. I'm heading up things in the office, taking care of scheduling and updating files and filing insurance, all the fun kind of stuff. It definitely is a change of pace from working at the news station, but a welcome one for me. I'm doing the whole 9-5 thing, which I've basically never done. This is literally the first time since Jarrod and I have been together that we've been on the same schedule, other than our college schedules.

I've decided the most difficult part of being on this schedule is the whole getting home and immediately having to dive into dinner preps. Especially since I've been on this new diet that requires a bit more legwork than I'm accustomed to. But at the same time, I consider that a rather small issue when compared to having to go to bed at 7:30pm when it's still light out until after 8:00.

I love being able to sleep in in the morning and get ready in the light! (I actually went into work at the station one time wearing one brown and one black Rainbow because I'd been getting ready in the dark.) I have time to make myself breakfast in the morning and now that I'm getting used to it all, I want to take a couple of days a week to get up early and do some exercising... both physical and mental.

I've also really enjoying working here at the doctor's office. The people are really nice and I've been enjoying getting to know the patients.  I get to pretty much run things the way I want and have a nice combination of time to myself and interacting with others. I'm getting into the swing of things now and liking the laid back nature of the position. But there are things I do miss from the station, such as the fact that there's never anything "breaking" around here. At least not for my position. But that's OK. For now, I'm just going to enjoy being able to relax a little more, not feeling so much pressure, and sticking to a normal routine. I'm also going to enjoy my first normal holiday coming up in just a few weeks here (ah, the finer things in life!)

Goodbye, 25. Fare thee well...

I can't believe it's my birthday in just over 4 hours. Birthday's are always fun. I mean, let's be honest, who doesn't like a day that's all about them?? But I don't think I tend to really look forward to my birthday, as some people I know do. It has been a very long time since I've done anything big for my birthday, and I've had several pretty disappointing ones in the past that have somewhat dulled my excitement in the future.

But I'm not here to complain. Nor am I not looking forward to my birthday. Tomorrow I turn 26. That's a somewhat odd age. 25 is a nice round number and 26 is just, well, after 25. Plus, since I'm on this diet, we can't go out anywhere for it, so I'm stuck making my own dinner and without a birthday cake.

I think I'm just a little down today because I had a rough day... Crohn's wise. Symptoms were much worse today than they have been recently and it made me wonder if this diet is really working. I feel that I'm working really hard for it and giving up a lot and not getting any results. My doctor still says there're no other treatments he can recommend, so I'm feeling a little stuck. I'm not giving up or anything. I said from the beginning that I would give it a month and then reevaluate from there. And that's still another 2 weeks away.

But despite it all, I'm still looking forward to turning 26 tomorrow. I'm encouraged to see that I accomplished a lot of what I set out to during the past year of my life. I found a new job where I'm feeling more content; I'm definitely expanding my cooking expertise; and while I did not open a Roth this past year, Jarrod and I did have more time to enjoy being together.

I want 26 to be the year that I kick this Crohn's. I want to be able to look back years from know and know that at 26 - double the age of when I was first diagnosed - I was finally able to put this behind me. I'm doing my best to stay positive and stay on top of all of this cooking, buy some days are harder than others. I'm going to stick this diet out for another two weeks and figure out then if it's something I want to continue. Meanwhile, I'm praying and believing that I will walk away from this and leave it behind for good.

He said to her, "Daughter, your faith has healed you. Go in peace and be freed from your suffering."

Mark 5:34

What doesn't kill you...

I heard that Kelly Clarkson song "Stronger" on the radio today. And while I'm not really a big Kelly Clarkson fan, I do like this song. It's a good empowerment song. But today, I was really thinking about what this song was saying:

What doesn't kill you makes you stronger

Stand a little taller

Doesn't mean I'm lonely when I'm alone

What doesn't kill you makes a fighter

Footsteps even lighter

Doesn't mean I'm over cause you're gone

Now obviously this song is talking about a guy leaving her, but I was thinking about the other things in life that don't kill you. I know there are definitely things in my life that haven't killed me but have made me stronger. But that wasn't a given. If something's going to make you stronger, you have to fight for it to make you stronger.

There are things that may not kill you literally, but can kill you in other ways. Crohn's obviously hasn't actually killed me, but if I let it, it could run my life. It'd be so easy to sit around and feel sorry for myself all the time. I've tried to tap into the social media Crohn's community and I've definitely found people out there who seem to have given up and resigned themselves to a certain kind of life. But I'm not going to do that. And that's what has made me a stronger person. Without the things I've dealt with over the years, who knows where I'd be now.

I'm not saying this to try to sound impressive or prideful. I want to bring encouragement to anyone who may be dealing with a potentially "deadly" issue. It doesn't have to be health related, it could be anything. You can't just sit back and say, "Well, this will make me a stronger person someday." You have to want to be a stronger person. You have to fight to be a stronger person. Learn from your mistakes and from your trials. While they may seem too big to beat now, you keep fighting and you'll win every time.

You think you got the best of me

Think you had the last laugh

Bet you think that everything good is gone.

Think you left me broken down

Think that I'd come running back

Baby, you don't know me cause you're dead wrong.

Not what I wanted to hear

This is one of those blog posts where I don't know where to start. I want to be completely honest on here, but sometimes there are things I just don't want to tell everyone... like when I don't get good results from a colonoscopy.

So my week off hasn't been too much of a week off. I spent Tuesday preparing for my colonoscopy (which anyone who's had one knows, is much worse than the actual procedure.) I had the procedure yesterday morning. I had the good idea this time to have Jarrod record the post-op conversation with my doctor, since you never remember these things when you're under anesthesia. So this time I actually got to listen to the conversation after I got back home.

Basically he told me that things look worse since my last colonoscopy, which I had in October of last year, right before I started the new meds. So being on the new meds for four months has not helped and I am officially off of them now... which technically means I am on no medication for Crohn's for the first time in about 13 years.

He basically told me that for someone as high functioning as I am, I have the worst looking gut he's ever seen. He's always telling me how stoic I am and that my bar for "normal" is so out of whack that I don't even know what "normal" is any more. He wants me to consider surgical options. I don't consider surgery an option... at all.

I think all of this finally hit me today. I spent a good part of the day being pretty depressed. (I also blame the lousy weather a little.) Dealing with being out of work and bad results from this is a lot to handle all at once. But I'm done with that. Sometimes I think you just need a down day to get all of that out of your system in order to get past it and move on.

I had seriously been considering starting up the Specific Carbohydrate Diet again (info here) but had been waiting for the results from this colonoscopy. So now I've decided to start that on Monday. Jarrod is going to be out of town for work, so I figure it's a good time to get going on that. I tried the diet out a few years ago, but it didn't stick. However, looking back now, I realize that I was totally unprepared to start the diet at that time. I feel that I'm in a much better position to do it successfully this time.

It's going to be a big change. It's essentially eliminating all wheat/grains, dairy, soy and sugar. And what does that leave? Doesn't seem like a lot. But essentially, it's getting back to nature and making things from scratch. And getting a little creative with your cooking. It's going to be a lot of work, but if it helps, then it's definitely worth it.

I've been doing some soul-searching, too, on what God has planned from here. I know this isn't what he wants for me, but it's definitely hard to keep the faith when you feel like this all of the time. I appreciate everyone's prayers, cause God knows, I need 'em (pun intended). I know at this point, if anything works, it's going to be his doing.

Defying Gravity

I can't believe another month has already come and gone. And before we know it it'll be another month and another year. And at the end of that, I hope we'll all be proud of what we've done and have become. I'm very reflective at the moment because I know this month is going to bring some changes. I'm right on the edge, preparing to jump into whatever the rest of my life will hold and I'm excited... and a little anxious... and a little scared.

I know I'm where I'm supposed to be, but that doesn't mean that a little unsurity doesn't creep in every now and then. Big things are coming. I've got a colonoscopy coming up soon which will help determine the future of my treatment. I have the writing class in a few weeks, which makes me kind of nervous. But I'm glad for the excitement. I feel like I've been playing it safe for a while and now I'm taking charge.

I'm not posting any goals this month. Trust me, I have some and I'll post updates on anything I get accomplished. But for now, it's time to take that leap... and see where I land.

Something has changed within me, Something is not the same

I'm through with playing by the rules of someone else's game

Too late for second-guessing, Too late to go back to sleep

It's time to trust my instincts, Close my eyes and leap.

It's time to try Defying gravity

I think I'll try Defying gravity

And you can't pull me down!

-Wicked

Thank God for fresh starts

"Your mercies are new every morning, So let me wake with the dawn"

-Nichole Nordeman, "Mercies New"

I'm so glad there are such things as second chances in this life... even though I know sometimes I could really use a do-over button. But that's what each morning brings: a new day, another chance to make up for yesterday.

Yesterday was one of the worst days I've had in a long time. I felt that others were putting blame on me for things I couldn't change and spent the day feeling down and feeling pretty much like a failure. On top of that. I don't like the way I reacted. I retreated and sought comfort in places I shouldn't have and I'm still feeling the effects of it now.

But today, I have another shot at it, another chance to get it right. I woke up feeling pretty lousy and seriously considered staying home today, but I'm not going to let that hold me back. It's a new day and I don't want to waste another one like I did yesterday.

Back in the groove

We're back at that point again... the real start of the year when everything starts to get back to normal. We've had 6 weeks of holidays and events and vacations and now it's time to get back to life as usual. It's back to work and back to school and no holidays in sight... unless you work for a bank. We have renewed vacation and sick days, but who wants to use those in the first weeks of the year?

I can't say that I'm entirely upset about this time of year. In news, things get really slow over the holiday season, but start to pick up once everyone gets back to their normal lives. Here, it's always better to stay busy. And it's frustrating when you have a good story idea, but you can't make it happen because the people you need to speak with are on holiday. Yes, I'm glad to be back to the normal day-to-day.

Looking back at 2011

Here we are at the final day of 2011 and I have to say... I'm glad it's here. This year has definitely not been what I expected. It has had some nice highlights: my sister's and my best friend's weddings, some fun trips that Jarrod and I took, paying off our debt. But overall, I feel that I accomplished very little this year, and I feel that I didn't put forth an effort that I can be proud of when I look back over the past 12 months.

I realized a week or so ago that I had set some goals back at the beginning of the year, but I hadn't looked back at those goals in a very long time. I couldn't even remember what they were. Sure I read a bunch of books (although they weren’t necessarily challenging books) and worked out a better budget that we’ve been good at sticking to, but of the goals that really matter, I fell pretty short. That's not what I want to see when I look back over the past year of my life. When I have goals, I want to think about them and work towards them every day. I don't want them to be some arbitrary idea I came up with because I was trying to find something to write on my blog. I want them to be things that I'm passionate about and actively work out a plan for accomplishing them. That's how things are going to change this next year!

While 2011 has been fine, 2012 is going to be different. I already have a couple of changes in the works that are going to make this year a bit more interesting. I think they will really help expand my writing, too, because these are things that I'm passionate about, but also things that scare me a little. Scare me in the taking-a-leap-of-faith kind of way. But passion and fear tend to lead to good writing topics.

I'm working on figuring out exactly what I want to accomplish in the coming year. I'm going to keep it simple and attainable. I'm going to put up a list of these goals at my new desk (Oh yah, my parents gave me this awesome desk for Christmas, but it has to be set up. I'll show it off a little once we get it put together.) and I'm going to work out a plan for accomplishing them. That way I will constantly be reminded of what I want to accomplish and how I'm doing on getting there.

Well, there are my goals for my goals. Tomorrow I'll actually get into those goals and a look ahead at the coming year. Enough looking back.

A Big Test

I took a pretty important test today (and no, it was not a pregnancy test, because I know that's where all of your minds just went.) It was a JC Virus Antibody test. If you remember my post from a couple of months ago where I talked about some changes I was making because of my Crohn's Disease, I mentioned there was this new medication that my doctor wanted me to consider, but it's got some pretty bad side effects. Well, essentially, this test will tell me whether or not I have to worry about those side effects. My doctor told me before that you've got about a 50/50 chance of having it.

If it comes back negative, the odds of these side effects drop to almost zero. But if it comes back positive, the odds go way high and basically takes this new medication off the table. I've been on my current medication for about 2 1/2 years now, and it has never really made that big of an improvement in my life. I mean I'm stable and it's kept things at a tolerable state, but I'm looking for some options that can make a big difference. This new medication may be one of those options.

My doctor told me this test just got approved by the FDA in the U.S. and just got the approval needed from the UNC Hospital system like today. So I'm the first one there to have this test done. Don't worry, it was nothing fancy. All they did was take some blood, so it wasn't some weird test I actually had to do anything for.

But now I have to wait. Of course they weren't sure exactly how long since I'm the first one to have it done, but he thought about a week or so. I've been praying all day that this will open up some doors for me. I'll be sure to post an update when I know more. But for now... we'll just keep praying.

My name is Stephanie and I have Crohn's Disease

Is that the first time I've posted that on here? It's oddly liberating. But it's not the type of thing I just come out and say. I'm not afraid to talk about it, but I wait for the right moment. I'm sure there are many people out there that I've known for a very long time who don't know that I do, simply because it's never come up. But this is something that I've dealt with for most of my life. I was officially diagnosed when I was 13, but had been dealing with symptoms for probably 2 years prior. Twice it's landed me in the hospital for a couple of weeks and a third time that was indirectly related. I've been up and down for years, trying a number of different remedies and diets. Sometimes they've worked for a while, other times not at all. (If you don't know what Crohn's Disease is, here's a link that's got some good, albeit medical, information.)

But in the course of getting ready for my sister's wedding, something just snapped inside of me. Trust me, I've been fed up with dealing with this for years, but at that point I got officially FED UP. It was a combination of being frustrated with just dealing with it day-to-day, and worry about a new drug that my doctor recommends, which could really help me, but has some potentially pretty awful side effects. Some things that I've tried to help me feel better, I haven't stuck with because I haven't been ready to make that commitment or spend that amount of money. But now, I just to do away with this. I've learned to live with it. Now I want to learn to live without it.

So I've started on a couple of new things over the past several weeks. First of all, I've started eating more anti-inflammatory foods and trying to cut out the inflammatory foods. Anti-inflammatory foods include fish, olive oil, green tea, walnuts, broccoli, green beans, ginger and colorful fruits. Inflammatory foods include red meat (which I've been cutting down on, not cutting out!), vegetable oil, dairy, refined grains and sugars. Some of that's been an easy transition. Others are more difficult. Part of it, is that now I'm cooking for myself and my husband, so I try to make sure he has things he likes, too. Also, fish smells. Bad. I'm washing my dishes much more often these days. And it's also usually pretty expensive. I've been keeping an eye on weekly specials at all the local grocery stores and making the rounds to where ever has the best selection. (And as a side note, I got a green tea latte with soy milk at Starbucks, and it may have been one of the best drinks I've ever had. Yum!)

Another new thing I've been trying is acupuncture. I've heard for years that it's been used successfully as a treatment for Crohn's, but I've never quite had the desire (or money) to try it out. But I figured, it's worth a shot. Western medicine hasn't been working, let's give Eastern a try! So I've been to two appointments so far. He says it's best to start with five and some people respond right away, and for others it takes a little longer, but usually by the end of five you/he have a pretty good idea of where things stand and how you're going to respond. It's been interesting. This may sound stupid, but I haven't quite worked up the guts to look at myself with needles sticking out of me. I'm totally fine with needles. God knows I get poked with them enough. But there's something about seeing the needle poking into you that I don't like. I never watch when they take blood and always have them cover it up if I have an IV. But anyways, the needles don't really hurt. You can definitely feel them go in, but it's not a poke or pierce like with needles we're all used to. How he described it, and I can see what he means, it's like a disruption of the energy that's flowing through your body. You feel a little "sensation" and then it's gone. Some of them have been a little uncomfortable, but that's it. No pain, just mild discomfort.

I don't feel like a brand new women yet, so I'm looking forward to these next three appointments, so we can hopefully get a better grasp on where things are with me. So often when I meet a new doctor, and I'm sure an acupuncturist is no different, I think it takes them a little while to realize how serious my disease is. From some angles, I seem just fine. I'm a normal weight for my size and I've never had surgery on my colon. To some, that would seem like a mild case. But once they start understanding my history, they quickly change their perspective. I am also, as my doctor often points out, a chronic under-exaggerator when it comes to my symptoms. I don't do it on purpose, but I've lived with them for so long, that what most people would rank as a 9 or 10, is more like a 4 or 5 in my book.

I'm giving these new things a try and if they don't work, then I'll be moving on to some other methods. But I'm gonna beat this. And I'm planning on doing sooner rather than later.

Oh the madness...

Part of what I love about growing up in the Southeast is the legacy of basketball. Now, I did not grow up in a very "sportsy" household. We'd watch the Superbowl every year, but as a house full of women, we were a little more tied up with dance competitions and that sorta thing. But my love for basketball started when I was in high school, my sophomore year to be exact. I know most high schools really celebrate football and it's those big Friday night games that bring everyone together, but my high school didn't have a football team, so basketball was king.

Our crazy fans in high school were known originally as the "Ledford Loonies" (since we played games at the Ledford Center) and changed over to the "Castle Crazies" once we moved to our new facility my junior year. I was the only girl in the small group of us who were the really crazy ones who stood right at the corner of the court and screamed the ENTIRE game. I would very often not have a voice the next day. I also was voted "Most School Spirit" my senior year.

So I was very excited to attend a university with such a highly regarded basketball program as UNC. I was even more excited to experience an NCAA championship win my freshman year! (Although I will admittedly say that it sort of spoiled us for the rest of our college experience.) I can't tell you how great an experience it is to don my Carolina blue jersey and cheer on my boys at the Dean Dome and then run 2 miles up to Franklin Street after a big win and celebrate with bonfires and general revelry.

And I get pretty worked up during these games. I've been known to scream and stomp and jump up on my chair and one time, I even gave myself a massive nosebleed that wouldn't stop. Yah, it gets pretty intense.

So these past couple of weeks have been hell on my heart rate (and sanity). It seems that every single tournament game (ACC and NCAA) the Tarheels have taken part in this year have come down to the final seconds and a very last minute win. Not that I don't enjoy a close game that's played until the very last second, but really guys? EVERY game??

So I'm very excited about the games coming up this weekend. (I guess I'll have to convince the Florida folks of the importance of this game!) And I don't have any delusions of grandeur of us making all the way to the National Championship. I think we've got as good of a shot as anybody, but I don't think it's our year. I think nabbing a #2 seed and making it to the Sweet 16 is already the makings of a good season. But I'll still be there cheering them along until that clock winds down to 0.0. Let the MaDnEsS continue!

GO HEELS!

25

Well, here I am on my final day of being 24. In just under 7 hours it will be my birthday and I will officially leave my early twenties behind (although 24's already arguably not "early" 20s anymore). I'm a little nervous, although I'm not sure why. I guess once you're 25 you're supposed to really be an adult and that's an unnerving feeling.

I think somewhere in the back of my mind I have this nagging feeling of, "you should've accomplished more by now." But when I look at my life, I think I've really done well for myself. At this point I'm married to the man of my dreams, we actually own our own home, I have a good job and career, we have great friends. Who could ask for anything more?? But I do, I want more.

I don't want to live from week to week, which sometimes I feel that I do. I want to have some real goals for myself and push myself to accomplish them. I want to continue to discover who I am and who Jarrod and I are together. I want to focus on and develop the things I love and not just "float along."

So I've been thinking about the things I'd like to accomplish while I'm 25...
*I want to be content in my job and find a good place where I'm happy with what I'm doing... no matter what it is.
*I want to expand my cooking expertise. Basically I'd like to be more comfortable working without a recipe and just ingredients!
*Open a Roth IRA. This may be a long shot, but I've always said I wanted to start one before I turned 26, so it's my last chance.
*Finally, I just want to enjoy being young and in love. We're still celebrating our first year of marriage and I just want to live in that moment of growing together while we're not tied down with other responsibilities. I'm definitely looking forward to starting a family someday, but I have the rest of my life to experience that, so I want to really take advantage of the time we have now.

Comfort in silence

Wow, I've been very absent from the blogging world this month. And it's not even that I've been unusually busy. I think it's more that I've been caught up in day-to-day life and although I've had the chance to spend a lot of this month with the people I love the most, it's not been anything particularly inspiring. I've actually been very productive this month (but I'll get into that in my month-in-review post tomorrow), and I'm glad to have made some progress on the more mundane aspects of my life.

As I said before, much of this month was spent with the most important people in my life. Jarrod and I found some time to relax and unwind, just the two of us; I got to host dinner for my bestest friend and her new husband, before he heads off to military training; I got to see my beautiful big sister looking gorgeous in her wedding gown (and fabulous new shoes!) and celebrate with her at a bridal shower; and now my awesome cousin is in town from Florida for the week, so I've been trying to grab as much time as possible with her.

There's that quote I've heard before, something like, "The best kind of friend is the one you could sit on a porch with, never saying a word, and walk away feeling like that was the best conversation you've had." Well that's what this month has been like for me. Nothing earth shattering or newsworthy. Just being with the people I care about. Sitting on the back porch after a cookout playing word games on your phone with the people sitting next to you...

Congratulations, Mrs. Reynolds

Yesterday, I had the amazing opportunity to be a part of the wedding of my best friend in the whole world. The newly Mrs. Reynolds is one of the most important people in my life. She and I have shared so many life experiences over the decade that I've known her.

Reagan and I actually just had our 10 year anniversary this past New Year's Eve! We met at the lovely Nancy Ray's birthday party in high school. A bunch of us went to a Clayton King/Jars of Clay New Year's event. Reagan and I met at the beginning of the evening and left that night best friends forever!

I said in my last post how Jarrod is one of the few people in this world who really "gets" me. Well, Reagan is one of the others. Most people in my life I know I need to put in some effort or else we could lose touch over time, but I've never had that worry with Rea. I think of her the same as I do my sisters: I know she'll always be a part of my life, despite how much time or distance may separate us.

More than anyone in my life, Rea has been there for nearly all of my major life events. We went through the giggly-girly early teen years, we experienced a time of religious extremism and spiritual growth, we rebelled together and questioned our purpose and God and found the men that we'd spend the rest of our lives with. Reagan was actually with me the night I met Jarrod. Here's a picture of us just hours before that happened:

I was so blessed to have her with me as I prepared to walk down the aisle. Although I think we both kept making each other cry!

≈

I love that last one. It's so us!

Living several hours apart and being in different places in life have made it more difficult to keep up in past months, but we spent the other night catching up once again and looking back at some of the funniest and craziest and most life-changing moments together. Then yesterday I sat with her as she got ready to jump into the next phase of her life. I couldn't imagine a more beautiful bride or be more proud to be there those final moments before the BIG MOMENT.

Reagan, your friendship has meant more to me than I could ever express. I love you so much and I have been so blessed to have spent the last 10 years with such an amazing person as you. I wish you the best in this new adventure and above all, I wish you a lifetime of happiness! Just remember, you'll always be my girl.

Congratulations, Mr. and Mrs. Reynolds!

Happy Birthday, baby

Today's post is dedicated to my amazing husband on his birthday. It's our first birthday we get to celebrate together since we've been married and I'm excited to get to spend even a little time together this evening. Although our schedules don't allow for a big celebration today, I plan to work it out that I can be awake when he comes home from work this evening, eat tacos (per his request) and chocolate pudding pie, open presents (I got him something he's really going to love this year!) and watch old episodes of 24! I dont' know about you, but I can't think of a much better evening.

Jarrod is one of the most incredible people I've ever met. He's kind and funny and adorable and sexy and manly and the best friend I could ever ask for. I feel that very few people in this world really "get" me, but Jarrod always does and I know how blessed I am to have him as a part of my life. Whenever anybody asks what I love most about him, I tell them that he balances me out well. I can easily stress and freak out about things and he always knows the perfect thing to say to make me feel better and put things into perspective. We complement each other well. I also just feel better when he's around. And I mean literally feel healthier just having him there.

Now of course we have our moments, just like any other couple, but at the end of the day there's no one I'd rather spend the rest of my life with, and I'm so excited that I have that chance.

So baby, thank you for being you. I love you and Happy Birthday!

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candle-light.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right.
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints. I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life; and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.
-Elizabeth Barrett Browning

Under the Knife: My Wisdom Teeth Experience

What an awful week! I've been a little MIA ever since I got my wisdom teeth out the other week. It's been 10 days, and I feel like I'm just now getting back on track. 


The whole experience wasn't at all what I thought it would be. I remember sitting in the dental chair last Friday with this weird elephant looking thing over my nose which was giving me laughing gas. Now, I'd never had laughing gas before and it was a very strange experience. My head started swimming a little and my tongue felt very large in my mouth and I did have a strange urge to laugh for no apparent reason, but I tried my best to keep my giggles to myself. I also had a number of strange thoughts pass through my head as they were putting me under the anesthesia. I wish I could remember what they all were, but I do remember that I was amused by my thoughts and said to myself that it would make a great book if we could record all the strange thoughts that pass through people's minds right before they go under anesthesia. Yah, I was definitely kinda loopy. 


Then of course you wake up a little bit later with a banging headache and a couple of large holes in the back of your mouth. Those first couple of days were miserable. I could only eat apple sauce and pudding, and I hardly kept any of that down. I pretty much didn't eat anything for about 5 days and even had to go home sick after a couple of hours at work last Monday. After that, I decided I needed to go for something a bit more solid and had just about the best meal of my life of grilled salmon, mashed potatoes and broccoli casserole from O'Charley's. I felt 100 times better after actually eating some food.


So now, it's 10 days after the fact, but my teeth still kinda hurt and I have to still be careful when I'm chewing and try to stick to the right side of my mouth (where I only had 1 tooth out). I go back tomorrow for a check up, so here's hoping that all's well.


I can't help but at least be grateful that I got this over with when I did. Can you imagine spending Thanksgiving Day worrying about what you're eating?? And let me go ahead and throw out there that Thanksgiving is arguably my favorite day of the year. I mean, it's a holiday that's completely structured around a meal. What's better than that?? 


So now it's time to focus on better things, like the fact that Thanksgiving is only 3 days away and then I get to decorate for Christmas! Can't wait!

Like a Ton of Bricks

It just hit me today that my life will never be the same ever again. Between a full-time job, having our own home, living with a puppy and everything else, I will always be "busy." It hit me today when I was thinking it'd been a while since I wrote a blog post and I said to myself, "Well, I've just been so busy." But when I look back over the past week or so, I've been noticeably less busy that I've been for the past several months. So this feeling of being busy just isn't going to go away and it's only going to be compounded from here on out.


So this means my life needs to be much more organized. I said in my monthly goals for this month that I want to come up with a plan to keep the house clean and I've been working on that. It involves breaking chores and/or rooms down to a daily cleaning schedule. This way I'm not forced to have one of those days where I have to clean the house from top to bottom and it'll be fully cleaned every week. It sounds so simple and would actually make my life easier, however, it's been quite difficult to get this thing going. I just feel so unmotivated to jump into cleaning mode, even if it's just a room, right after I get off from work and I've been up since early, early morning. Perhaps it also has to do with the fact that the kitchen is constantly a mess. This comes just from continuous use: cleaning it, cooking in it, cleaning again, cooking again. Since the kitchen needs to be cleaned before using it again, that's always a chore and doing more beyond that seems like a bigger deal. But I suppose it's just going to have to take a little time to get into the groove and make it into a habit.


So as I sit here realizing all of this, I also realize how much I have to do around here, tonight. The kitchen is calling! Busy, busy, busy...