Not what I wanted to hear

This is one of those blog posts where I don't know where to start. I want to be completely honest on here, but sometimes there are things I just don't want to tell everyone... like when I don't get good results from a colonoscopy.

So my week off hasn't been too much of a week off. I spent Tuesday preparing for my colonoscopy (which anyone who's had one knows, is much worse than the actual procedure.) I had the procedure yesterday morning. I had the good idea this time to have Jarrod record the post-op conversation with my doctor, since you never remember these things when you're under anesthesia. So this time I actually got to listen to the conversation after I got back home.

Basically he told me that things look worse since my last colonoscopy, which I had in October of last year, right before I started the new meds. So being on the new meds for four months has not helped and I am officially off of them now... which technically means I am on no medication for Crohn's for the first time in about 13 years.

He basically told me that for someone as high functioning as I am, I have the worst looking gut he's ever seen. He's always telling me how stoic I am and that my bar for "normal" is so out of whack that I don't even know what "normal" is any more. He wants me to consider surgical options. I don't consider surgery an option... at all.

I think all of this finally hit me today. I spent a good part of the day being pretty depressed. (I also blame the lousy weather a little.) Dealing with being out of work and bad results from this is a lot to handle all at once. But I'm done with that. Sometimes I think you just need a down day to get all of that out of your system in order to get past it and move on.

I had seriously been considering starting up the Specific Carbohydrate Diet again (info here) but had been waiting for the results from this colonoscopy. So now I've decided to start that on Monday. Jarrod is going to be out of town for work, so I figure it's a good time to get going on that. I tried the diet out a few years ago, but it didn't stick. However, looking back now, I realize that I was totally unprepared to start the diet at that time. I feel that I'm in a much better position to do it successfully this time.

It's going to be a big change. It's essentially eliminating all wheat/grains, dairy, soy and sugar. And what does that leave? Doesn't seem like a lot. But essentially, it's getting back to nature and making things from scratch. And getting a little creative with your cooking. It's going to be a lot of work, but if it helps, then it's definitely worth it.

I've been doing some soul-searching, too, on what God has planned from here. I know this isn't what he wants for me, but it's definitely hard to keep the faith when you feel like this all of the time. I appreciate everyone's prayers, cause God knows, I need 'em (pun intended). I know at this point, if anything works, it's going to be his doing.

A moment with God

I had an amazing moment with God today. And I could've missed it very easily. I had spoken with my cousin earlier this week about meeting up with her family at church this morning, especially since I knew Jarrod was going to be working today. So this morning my alarm went off and I ;did not want to get out of bed. I texted my cousin to see if they were still planning on going and she told me she'd had a late night and was planning on going to the later service (which I couldn't make because I have plans this afternoon) but would get up and go to the earlier service if I wanted. I told her not to worry about it and to get some sleep, then I rolled over and reset my alarm for about an hour later.

I laid in bed for maybe 10 minutes and kept debating whether or not I should get up and go to church anyways. I don't believe I've ever gone to a Sunday service by myself, so it sounded a little daunting. Like eating at a restaurant alone. But I kept debating it in my head and I realized that I was already awake by this point so I went ahead and got up to go to Celebration Family Church.

Since I'd laid in bed for so long, I ended up being about 15 minute late (eesh) and of course they take me up to the second row to sit! But it was OK, because I was seated behind some good friends of mine that I don't get to see too often. Worship is obviously in full swing by this point, so I took off my coat and almost as soon as I began to focus on the service, I started to cry. Don't know what hit me, but it was there. I know I've been in a desperate place lately and I guess I was reaching up out of there. Then they began singing this amazing song with the lyrics, "Suddenly I can feel you healing me. Sweep me away." It's a beautiful song by Charlie Hall and it hit me right where I was. To the point that I couldn't even get any words out.

The pastor called for the prayer team to come up front to be there for anyone who needed anything: healing, wisdom, strength, anything. For some reason I had in my head, "I don't want to go up there. I don't know these people. I'll just stay right here." But then my friend I mentioned before walked up and stood with them and I knew that God was calling me to stand together with someone in faith this morning, with someone who has some understanding of what I've gone through in my life. We shared a great moment of prayer and it felt good having someone else there, holding my hand and leading me to a spiritual place.

I know that this is the start of something, but I also know that I have to make it into SOMETHING. It's hard from where I've come from and I've closed myself off to a lot in the past. It's not going to be easy. I found this beautiful Psalm just now that really spoke to me.

Psalm 34 – The Message

I bless God every chance I get; my lungs expand with his praise.

I live and breathe God; if things aren't going well, hear this and be happy:

Join me in spreading the news; together let's get the word out.

God met me more than halfway, he freed me from my anxious fears.

Look at him; give him your warmest smile.

Never hide your feelings from him.

When I was desperate, I called out, and God got me out of a tight spot.

God's angel sets up a circle of protection around us while we pray.

Open your mouth and taste, open your eyes and see - how good God is.

Blessed are you who run to him.

Worship God if you want the best; worship opens doors to all his goodness.

Young lions on the prowl get hungry, but God-seekers are full of God.

Come, children, listen closely; I'll give you a lesson in God worship.

Who out there has a lust for life?

Can't wait each day to come upon beauty?

Guard your tongue from profanity, and no more lying through your teeth.

Turn your back on sin; do something good.

Embrace peace—don't let it get away!

God keeps an eye on his friends, his ears pick up every moan and groan.

God won't put up with rebels; he'll cull them from the pack.

Is anyone crying for help? God is listening, ready to rescue you.

If your heart is broken, you'll find God right there;

if you're kicked in the gut, he'll help you catch your breath.

Disciples so often get into trouble; still, God is there every time.

He's your bodyguard, shielding every bone; not even a finger gets broken.

The wicked commit slow suicide; they waste their lives hating the good.

God pays for each slave's freedom;

Love Wins: Part 4

A final topic I want to touch on is the idea of letting God change your story. Bell focuses the final chapters of his book on the story of the prodigal son, but he goes and bit further and puts some more focus on the "non-prodigal" brother. Both have a story to tell. One is obviously not living right and knows he does not deserve the love of the father. The other thinks he’s doing all the right things but has been overlooked by his father. In both of these instances, the father tells a different story. He tells the “unworthy” son that he should be celebrated and that regardless of what he’s done, he’s loved and welcomed home. And he tells the “righteous” son he’s not a slave in his father’s house and is entitled to all that belongs to the father.

Both sons are living in their own hell. One is trapped in his own guilt and feels of worthlessness; the other has separated himself by his feelings of resentment towards the father for never “celebrating” him. But the father shows them both that they are worthy to be celebrated and that all he has belongs to them as well. He doesn’t change any of the facts of their stories, he simply changes the perspective, and it quickly moves from a state of "hell" to one of "heaven."

These are simply my thoughts on a series of complicated and controversial subjects and I don’t agree with everything Rob Bell says, but I think he makes some very valid points and I think his voice should be heard. God is described as being just, but he’s described as actually embodying love. I think his need for justice can be satisfied, and that has been accomplished through Jesus. But his thirst for love… I’m not sure that is so easily satisfied.

Love Wins: Part 3

Another idea I’ve never been able to wrap my head around is the idea of God sending billions of people to suffer immeasurable torture for the rest of eternity simply because of the decisions made in the finite years of their life. Especially those people who lived good and wholesome lives, but didn’t ever quite make that leap into “Christianity.” I’m not saying that just being good is enough, because Jesus definitely says that the only way to the Father is through him. But I don’t think that the only way to accomplish this is by saying the “sinner’s prayer” or walking to the front of a church during an alter call.

I think I’m simply admitting here that we don’t know. We don’t know that just because someone doesn’t call themselves a Christian that they aren’t living lives closer to the attributes of God than those who attend church every week and know how to talk-the-talk and even walk-the-walk in some aspects. I just can’t reconcile the idea in my mind that someone who’s only seen the ugly side of Jesus – such as someone who’s suffered abuse at the hands of a “Christian” or been told that God hates them for their imperfections – but continues to live a life that’s good and following moral principles will be forever punished for the mistakes of others. Plus, once you actually start looking, I find there’s little evidence to support this idea of eternal torment. But we’ve always been told that those who don’t “accept Jesus” will spend forever in hell. Really? Does God say that? You can make the argument that he does, but you can also disagree. Like I said, you can find a way to validate pretty much anything you want in scripture.

Another point that Rob Bell makes that I love and had never really thought about before is, “does God get what he wants?”  If God is supposed to be this all powerful, perfect being who is able to accomplish anything he desires, then how could his most powerful desire not be realized? So many times in scripture it says that God desires to bring all beings to himself. If he sets his mind to this, is he really unable to accomplish it? God never seems to leave loose ends untied, yet he’s willing to let billions and billions of people ruin his perfect plan? That doesn’t make any sense to me. If God sets out to accomplish something, I believe he has to power to accomplish it. Could God really live with himself knowing that these people that he knows intimately and loves with an intensity that we can’t understand are going to be forever separated from him? Perhaps the idea of Jesus redeeming all mankind stretches beyond the few short years we spend here on earth. I’m not saying I’m right or I have all of the answers here, but is that totally out of the question? Does God say anywhere that you’ve only got one chance at this? Is the blood of Christ not more powerful than that? I think it is.

Love Wins: Part 2

Wow, I did not mean for it to be so long between posts, but my computer has been out of commission all week and it was the only place I had this saved, so...

Now, to some actual thoughts about different topics in the book.

I’ve never agreed with the idea of merely becoming a Christian just to save yourself from hell. This book is clearly geared towards these sorts of thoughts, but I’ve always known that believing in Jesus is much more than just “fire insurance,” as many a youth pastor loves to describe it. Jesus did not come to earth and die just to keep us out of hell. But I am amazed at the number of people who honestly think like this. To them, everything Jesus did and everything they do and believe now is merely their get-out-of-jail-free card. As Rob Bell puts it, “The good news is better than that.” Jesus came to give us life in this life. I can’t believe that this life here on earth is just a test to see if we pass to make it on to the next “real life.” We were meant to have that life more abundant here and now.

This all brings up a very important idea that Bell discusses. He talks about how we can bring heaven here on earth or live in our own personal hell. To me, heaven is much more than some city in the clouds that we go to after we die, it’s about understanding who God is and living out his attributes. I think most people agree that an integral park of heaven is experiencing God and seeing him for who he really is. But who says we can’t do that here? There is a quote I read in Max Lucado book years ago that says, “Christianity, in its purest form, is nothing more than seeing Jesus. Christian service, in its purest form, is nothing more than imitating Him who we see. To see His Majesty and to imitate Him, that is the sum of Christianity.” So as we imitate him and therefore become more like him, aren’t we bridging the divide between this heaven and earth?

I also think that most would agree that this idea of hell is separation from God. So when we choose to follow paths that are contrary to the nature of God, aren’t we separating ourselves from him and imprisoning ourselves in hell? There may not be any fire and brimstone, but is that really any less hellish? To me, heaven and hell are as much a state of mind as it is a physical place we haven’t experienced yet but will inevitably experience in the future (well, at least one of them). 

Love Wins: Part 1

I just finished up Rob Bell’s “Love Wins” this week. It took me a little while longer than I expected to finish it, but there are several reasons for that: 1. I was on vacation in Florida for several days and we were way too busy to get in any reading time. 2. There’s a lot to think about when reading this book. I couldn’t just fly through it because it would’ve overloaded my brain with things to think about. I also had to be careful when I read this book, because I normally read right before I go to bed, but I couldn’t always do that with this book. On the occasions that I did, I’d end up keeping myself awake thinking about everything I’d just read and then I wouldn’t get any sleep. And 3. Rob Bell obviously writes like he talks. The text is stream of consciousness and does not abide by normal grammatical rules. I would often have to read through a sentence or paragraph two or three times before fully grasping its meaning. I found that reading out loud helped in following along.

But now that I am done, I can honestly say how much I really enjoyed the book and how much it challenged me. Bell brings up a number of questions and issues that had me nearly shouting out loud, “I’ve been wondering that, too!” I didn't realize quite how much it impacted me until I sat down to write this blog and I filled up page after page of thoughts, so I've broken it down into what I believe will be four posts. 

The first issue reading this book brought up in my mind is how disappointed I am in the Christian community for their early dismissal of the book, even before it was released. I find this book to be much more of a conversation than a lecture. I don’t feel that Bell ever took the approach of, “Christian theology as we know it is wrong and I’m right and here’s why.” He’s merely bringing up a conversation that’s been had before and will be had again. It’s very disappointing to me that so many Christian figures jumped to conclusions and called Bell a heretic for his thoughts when they hadn’t even heard what he had to say.  To simply dismiss the book is not the right way to go about it. Join in the conversation, even if you disagree. Just because something is now considered to be religious axiom doesn’t mean it’s truth. Think of the number of issues that have been thought to be fact over the past 2000 years and have proven to be incorrect. You should know why you believe what you believe, not just take it at face value because it’s what you were taught in Sunday school. That’s why I believe these discussions are so important. Because you have to actually defend your beliefs rather than resort to, “Well, that’s what I’ve always been taught.”

A number of times Bell says that Jesus is not afraid of our questions or debate and I totally agree. That’s what Christianity in our day and age is all about. God no longer writes a list of “dos” and “don’ts” on stone tablets. He’s opened up the floor for conversation, which then leads to understanding. As Christians, I don’t believe that we were made to live in this box of tradition and theology. We’re meant to have a relationship with God and have that relationship determine our life and actions. I think we should be constantly questioning what we’re told about Jesus, because regardless of how devout the person is who’s teaching, they’re still human and they’re not perfect. It’s amazing how differently some passages in the Bible can read depending on what perspective you’re looking at them from. If you assume anything, you can find the scriptures to back it up, because there is so much that can be taken out of context.

I’m not one of those people who believes that whatever you believe is right if it’s right for you. There are some things that are truth and some things that aren’t. I do, however, believe that a lot of the principles for following Jesus is subjective. Just because something resonates with one person doesn’t mean it will have the same impact on everyone. I also believe that God uses other methods and even religions to speak his own truth. He’s not limited to the pages of the Bible. He speaks in and through everything. If you’re open, God will speak to you, but he doesn’t use the same language for everyone. To dismiss someone’s experience simply because it’s different than your own is to limit God.